just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
