So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
