Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
