ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
