Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We don't watch enough power rangers
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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