you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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