Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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