I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
