Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Shame is for Republicans.
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