I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
