So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
