I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
