Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
