You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
