Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
