took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
