literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
only if we run a train.
done.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
