seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
