i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I AM VODKA MAN
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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