Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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