the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
