1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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