Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
