I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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