Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
