How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
