Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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