just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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