Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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