Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
