just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
