I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
