What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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