: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
