He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
