Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
