dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
