apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
