this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
