WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
