you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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