We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
