The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
cat food counts as protein by the way
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
