I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she looked like the before picture.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
