I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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