You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i think my cat just said my name.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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