Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
