toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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