Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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