I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
